Soul without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within,<\/em><\/a> Byron Brown writes, \u201cJudgment is a central element of your inner dialogue, the way you talk to yourself. From that point of view, it is second nature to you, so close to you, that it is hard even to become aware of its existence. It’s the lens through which we look at the world. Often, however, there is good reason to isolate this part of your inner process. Self-judgment is perhaps the greatest source of inner suffering and discontent. More than that, or because of that, it is one of the major barriers to change, growth, expansion, and transformation.\u201d<\/p>\nWorking with this inner critic is one of the ways in which mindfulness practice can be so transformative and healing, because we get to work directly with this tendency. The thrust of this practice is so much about acceptance and kindness. And this kind of thinking is the opposite of that.<\/p>\n
As we deepen in this capacity, we begin to accept the present moment and ourselves\u2014how our body and minds are\u2014and come into some degree of relaxation, kindness, or ease. We see more clearly the pain of this kind of thinking and judgment. We feel it physically, for example, the heart can feel like a fist or a rock in the center of the chest.<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s important to realize it\u2019s optional. We create this suffering. It’s not coming from outside in any direct way.<\/p>\n
Developing self-acceptance and self-love is essential on this path. It’s necessary for healing the wounds and trauma that we’ve experienced: the loss, grief, and pain. If we want to deepen in wisdom and compassion, this thinking will limit us because it’s always pulling the rug out from under our resilience and capacities.<\/p>\n
As we practice, it’s natural for old memories to come up. This isn\u2019t bad or wrong. Unless these memories or patterning comes up, we can’t begin the deep work of transformation. We look at the ways our minds and hearts have been shaped and where we’ve learned to be self-critical. Cartoonist Jules Feiffer said, \u201cI grew up to have my father’s looks, my father’s speech patterns, my father’s posture, my father’s opinions, and my mother’s contempt for my father.\u201d<\/p>\n
We’ve been shaped by these systems and messages we’ve had, but in that shaping, many of us learned a dislike for who we actually are. We internalize these messages about how we are or how we look\u2014things that we don’t have much control over. Someone said something once and it just cut through us. And we’ve been self-conscious and vulnerable about that aspect of ourselves. We feel shy about seeing the endeavors that we’ve tried when we felt criticized, sent to the back, not chosen, not appreciated. This can happen, especially when we’re young, but it doesn’t stop there. We can even take on the belief that being self-critical is an appropriate attitude.<\/p>\n
Once this thinking is solidified, it can harden into a belief that there is something wrong with us. We don’t deserve to be here. And that can lead to a deep feeling of shame, which is disempowering. It doesn’t let us take our seat at the table. We’re always hiding away, not feeling worthy or accepted.<\/p>\n
Beginning to recognize and work with these messages is essential, but we need to see them first. It can be helpful to have a sense of how these messages got formed. Understanding that allowed me to see that they weren’t some inherent part of who I was. I had learned to relate to myself this way. If we don’t bring them into the light of mindfulness, they will continue to diminish our capacity to experience freedom and happiness.<\/p>\n
How the judging voice comes into being <\/strong><\/p>\nByron Brown writes, \u201cAs children, we had to learn social norms to get along, develop a conscience. As this procedure becomes internalized, it can become overactive or overcritical. This voice becomes the judge, the critic of everything we experience. We can come to see now from a place of more wisdom, that this voice is not so helpful because it limits us and controls us. And the basic message of the judging voice is, \u2018I’m not good enough. And people won’t like me just as I am.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
We hide parts of ourselves to try and be lovable. Brown writes that it\u2019s followed by, \u201cAnd you’ll never change, you haven’t got what it takes.\u201d This disempowerment can lead to a feeling of helplessness if we believe this voice.<\/p>\n
I think many of us can relate to that internalized voice that\u2019s always criticizing and commenting on what we’re doing. We need to find a different way to access the wisdom that we think the judge is providing.<\/p>\n
How the judging voice serves us<\/strong><\/p>\nIt\u2019s revealing to see the ways the judging voice serves us\u2014why we continue to give it space in our minds and hearts. Habits get formed because they serve us. They give us a quick response to any choice we might have to make.<\/p>\n
There can be a pleasantness to the judging, a hook that catches us. It can be as simple as we feel we know what’s right and even if I am terrible, at least I know that. \u201cThose people are so hopeless, they don’t even know how hopeless they are. But I know how hopeless I am!\u201d Even in that, there’s the thought: \u201cI’m that smart. I might be terrible, but I know that much.\u201d<\/p>\n
It can offer a sense of safety or control. We know we won’t get too wild because there’s this voice saying, \u201cBe careful. Don’t do that, someone might not like you or approve of what you’re doing, or you might bring trouble on yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
When we have a view of ourselves as being unworthy and we agree with it, there\u2019s a resignation that brings some ease. \u201cYeah, that’s just how I am.\u201d There’s a hopelessness or giving up that can be reassuring.<\/p>\n
We see ways that we’ve internalized these messages. If I’m like this or that, I’m not lovable. So, I keep contorting myself to fit some idea I have of what’s lovable and repressing aspects of myself that I think other people won’t like.<\/p>\n
Judging others<\/strong><\/p>\nWith judging others negatively, it’s easier to see what the hook might be\u2014a sense of superiority. We might still be judging ourselves, but we think, \u201cAt least I’m not like those people.\u201d And even sitting in our self-judgment, we can still feel superior or different. When we judge others negatively, we don’t have to look at places where we feel inadequate.<\/p>\n
When we judge others as being better than us, there is a sense of safety in our own diminishment. \u201cI don’t have to try.\u201d \u201cSomeone else is in charge.\u201d \u201cThey are so much better than me.\u201d It gives us permission not to try or expose ourselves to failure. It can validate feelings we have of disparity, unfairness, envy, jealousy, or victimhood. \u201cOh, they’ve got so much more than me, it’s not fair.\u201d And we can create a sense of self about that.<\/p>\n
There’s lots of subtle layers, and unless we bring them into the light of awareness, this constant narration flavored by negativity is often there. It’s the soup we’re swimming in a lot of the time. We’re not even aware that it’s happening and so we don’t feel its impact. We don’t feel how it’s shaping our minds and hearts. Because as we’re having those kinds of thoughts\u2014what we think are rational observations\u2014we don’t see them as conditioned judgments that we’re making that don’t have a real basis in reality. And we really need to understand this: just because we think or feel something doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true.<\/p>\n
This isn’t about denying feelings or emotions. They do have a reality to them. But what they’re based on can be distorted.<\/p>\n
We need to be aware of how we’re relating to these thoughts in the mind that we’re taking to be true. \u201cI know what’s right.\u201d \u201cI know what’s wrong.\u201d \u201cThis is good.\u201d \u201cThis is bad.\u201d In another cartoon, a couple are arguing, and one says to the other, \u201cIf it doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong, why don’t I be right, and you be wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
We’re so convinced that what we’re thinking and feeling is the truth, and if only we could convince people to see things our way, the world would be a much better place. We begin to see the distortion that can be happening in our own minds and hearts shaped by this tendency to judgment and criticism.<\/p>\n
Look for the hook<\/strong><\/p>\nWhen exploring this tendency to self-criticism, look for the hook or the pleasant, unpleasant, or neither pleasant nor unpleasant that’s with every moment of experience. With judging thoughts\u2014even when they feel painful\u2014there\u2019s a hook in them. In some way, this negative self-view makes sense to us, or it served us in some way in the past. We know it doesn’t serve us now, but it keeps coming up.<\/p>\n
We can internalize this message that’s come from outside as we were being shaped or formed as children, young adults, or whatever age. We often didn’t have the capacity to see clearly that this was not the truth or skillful or in our best interest, but we took it in, because that was the way we could survive. Otherwise, we’d be going against our authority figures, and that was too dangerous. We take it in as a protection.<\/p>\n
With mindfulness and caring, continuous attention to the heart and mind, the way we’ve been shaped can begin to come to the surface. And the possibility of transforming this patterning is powerful. Only by bringing it into the light of mindfulness can we begin the journey of transformation.<\/p>\n
What do you want to believe? The story of yourself as being deficient, unworthy, and unlovable? Where does that get you? Or the story that you have inherent goodness, kindness, warmth, and compassion?<\/p>\n
We can see the lure of going down that path of self-criticism and say \u201cno,\u201d but we have to be willing to feel the pain of that, not just repress it. Truly feeling the pain and suffering is the doorway to compassion, not to more self-hatred\u2014if we feel it with wisdom and compassion.<\/p>\n
Thoughts in the mind<\/strong><\/p>\nAn important fact to remember is that judging thoughts are just thoughts in the mind. They have the same weight as \u201cwhat\u2019s for dinner?\u201d\u2014if we can see them that way. If we believe them, then everything is solid. But when you notice, \u201cOh, just thinking.\u201d In that moment, with this clear recognition, the thought can literally evaporate without a trace. The thoughts of judging you had yesterday, where are they today?<\/p>\n
These thoughts are also the result of different causes and conditions. And when those conditions change, those thoughts will change. If we don’t continue to feed them, they will starve.<\/p>\n
We can learn to open to old memories. Not rejecting them, but also not solidifying around them. Here they are: pain, loss, fear, memory. Hold them with spaciousness, kindness, and acceptance. Whatever happened in these old memories, you did the best you could with the tools and resources that you had at the time. Beating yourself up doesn\u2019t help. You can’t change the past, but if you change how you relate to the past, it gets transformed\u2014if you have an attitude of forgiveness, acceptance, or compassion about your experience.<\/p>\n
Working with the judging mind<\/strong><\/p>\nWhen working with the judging mind, it’s helpful to use humor because it can be painful to see the extent of this form of thinking. IMS Co-founder Jack Kornfield says, \u201cStart counting your judgments. By the time you get to 463, you realize they’re just happening. You’re not doing it. You’re not choosing to do it. It’s a conditioned habit of the mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
Develop a way to talk back to your judging voice, \u201cThanks for your opinion, but I’m doing okay. I got this.\u201d<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s helpful to see the layers of the judging. It’s fueled by doubt, restlessness, aversion, wanting\u2014all the ways in which we compare ourselves with the past, present, future, others.<\/p>\n
Feel it in the body. For me, whenever there’s judging, I feel tension in my body. When I notice constrictions, I think, \u201cOh, judging happening.\u201d Drop into the body so you don’t get so caught up in the content and start to believe it. Notice, \u201cHere’s this habit pattern.\u201d When you drop into the body and feel the suffering, then you aren\u2019t so caught in identifying with the thinking. When we start to pay attention like this, we start to see the automatic nature of judging.<\/p>\n
Remember that we are creating this form of suffering. No one is doing it to you. I’m not saying it’s easy, you can\u2019t just say to yourself, \u201cDon\u2019t do it!\u201d We could all go home if that worked.<\/p>\n
Play with it. Be kind to yourself. Whatever works.<\/p>\n
To hear the whole talk, click here.<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sally Armstrong began practicing vipassana meditation in India in 1981 and started teaching in 1996. She is a member of the Spirit Rock Teacher\u2019s Council and has served as a co-guiding teacher at Spirit Rock. She developed and led Spirit Rock\u2019s Dedicated Practitioners Program and Advanced Practitioner Program. She has a keen interest in supporting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":20501,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"issue":[],"class_list":["post-20493","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sangha-news"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"
The Judging Mind – Insight Meditation Society<\/title>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n